This is a picture of me at the ACME New Products Conference. The ACME "Desert Summer" line looks promising, just wait until that beeping featherbrain takes a peck at the new ACME Exploding Birdseed. And if that doesn't work, I'll flatten him with my ACME Spring Loaded Giant Boulder Gun or catch him on my ACME Rocket Powered Skateboard. Nope, no more long falls to the desert floor for yours truely.

Now, on to ACME's newest venture, the Rocket Powered, Exploding Bridge Hand. We'll see whose still beep-beeping at end of these.

Action	Score	Votes	% Solvers
3NT	100	14	16
DBL	75	5	49
3	50	1	24
4	30	0	5
Pass	20	0	5

1. IMPs, Neither Vulnerable

West	North	East	South
3	Pass	Pass	?

As South you hold:  QJT3   AQJ87   8   KQT

What's your bid?

Our hand certainly has some good features: we have good HCP, we have both majors so a major suit game looks promising, and we have their suit double stopped for 3NT. Let's start with a vote from our guest CyberPanelist.

BRIDGE BARON: "3."

BB may or may not be a good bidder, but he's too taciturn to be a good panelist. I picture him sitting there humming and grinding his teeth for an hour over the simulation for one of our problems and then spitting out a single bid with no explanation of how the decision was made. Our human panelists certainly don't have that problem. Some of them were after the majors.

KLEMIC: "Dbl. Intending to bid hearts over diamonds at the 3 or 4 level. This action is not binding and partner should feel able to remove to spades."

VONGSVIVUT: "DBL. If North responds with 3, I will bid 3."

No doubt partner will take 3-3 or 4-4 as being both majors, but the suit lengths are a bit murky. They sound more like 4-6 or even a weak 5-5. We'll probably end up in 3 or 4 or, oops, maybe even 4.

Another doubler had a different rebid in mind.

MATHENY: "DBL. Will bid 3NT over 3. May lose a 5-3 heart fit."

Larry didn't mention what he'd bid over 4 by partner, but I doubt if it's 4NT. And, I dunno, 3-3NT may show either a better hand or better diamonds than we have.

Maybe we don't want to play in a major suit fit even if we have one, and one bid that's hard to criticise in the world of bridge is...

MAYNE: "3NT. A double will fetch a diamond bid too often, and even when partner bids a major on [K984  K84  QJ43  32]...hey look, 3NT has much better play than 4."

MERRITT: "3NT. If we have game, I would be highly doubtful that 3N will not make while 4 of a major will, barring the feared diamond lead."

Things are ruff all over in major suit land.

LEONARD: "3NT. Even if partner bids a major in response to a double (which is NOT assured), a club to the Ace and a ruff is extremely likely."

KESSLER: "3NT. This may be the only game that makes even if we have a major suit fit. Major suit games also run the risk of ruffs and/or bad splits."

PAVLICEK: "3NT. Feels right. Odds are good that West will speculate with a major lead; who leads the unbid minor? On a good day, partner will have [xx  Kxxxx  KQTx  xx], and I'll score it up with 4 down two."

Pavlicek is playing the hand during the bidding, something people don't do nearly often enough. He also mentions the ruff possibility although you may need your ACME Microscope to find it.

Action	Score	Votes	% Solvers
3NT	100	11	27
3	80	4	50
3	70	3	1
4	50	2	1
2NT	40	0	1
2	10	0	1

2. Matchpoints, both vulnerable

West	North	East	South
--	--	--	1
Pass	1	Pass	?

As South you hold:  76   AKQT76  A97   A8

What's your bid?

Let's see, AKQTxx of hearts isn't too shabby a suit, it seems like we should be able to rebid it, but should we bid 3 or 4?

NELSON: "4. Seems standard to this ol' gal."

KESSLER: "3. This must be a trick question--seems too obvious. Partner can still bid 3NT with balanced soft cards."

VONGSVIVUT: "3. Need 2 tricks from partner to make game in a suit contract."

KNIEST: "3. Happy to hear 3NT from pard."

The question is, will you be happy if pard passes or bids 4? If partner just barely choked out his initial 1 response Pass may be better than 4, we might have only 9 tricks in heart contracts. But wait a minute, 9 tricks? That rings a bell, how about...

KLEMIC: "3NT. This suggests stoppers in the other suits and 6cd strong heart suit...just like what I have."

WALKER: "3NT. This doesn't come up all that often with majors, but the auction ought to show the same type of hand as if you'd opened a minor -- long and solid suit, outside stoppers and enough high-card strength to expect to make your contract."

PAULO: "3NT. Jumping to 3NT shows that I have at least six hearts in a solid or nearly solid suit, stoppers in the minor suits, and denies interest in spades."

SPEAR: "3NT. Shows long running major with minors stopped, possible singleton spade. (I am making this up!)"

Yup,that's pretty much what the BWS documentation has to say about it.

Again, 3NT was the clear winner, but the next two bids: a strong jump shift to 3 and an invitational jump rebid to 3, are totally different. I wonder whether some of the 3 bidders play it as forcing.

Action	Score	Votes	% Solvers
4	100	6	19
4	100	6	16
5	80	3	11
4	70	2	14
3NT	60	3	41

3. IMPs, Both Vulnerable

West	North	East	South
1*	DBL	Pass	Pass
2	2	3	3
Pass	3	Pass	?

  * 4-card majors, may have a longer minor.

As South you hold:  Q98654   A3   K52   65

What's your bid?

Is partner asking for a spade stopper for 3NT, asking for a club stopper for 3NT, cue bidding to look for a diamond slam, or even suggesting that we play in spades in spite of the 1 opening bid?

Usually if opponents have bid one suit, a cue bid asks for a stopper in that suit, and if they've bid two suits a cue bid shows a stopper in that suit and asks for one in the other suit. But is this a unusual situation?

VONGSVIVUT: "3NT. Should have adequate stopper to play in NT."

NELSON: "3NT. I am planning on partner having clubs stopped, after all it would be difficult for partner to show me that by bypassing 3NT."

Pavlicek and Matheny thought about club stoppers as well but reached a different conclusion.

PAVLICEK: "5. Partner probably has no club stopper, or perhaps has just the CA in a hand like [-  QJTx  AQJTxx  Axx]; else he'd bid 3NT as we certainly must have a good spade stopper."

MATHENY: "4. I don't have the club stopper partner is looking for. A 4 cue may be overstating this hand."

Maybe partner doesn't care about club stoppers at all, maybe he's sniffing around for a diamond slam.

KESSLER: "4 I think partner is void in spades and trying for slam. I have 2 key cards and not as much wasted in spades as I might have, so lets cooperate."

WALKER: "4. Even if partner has a strong doubleton spade, we rate to have at least two losers in that trump suit, so the diamond game looks more attractive. I've already limited my hand with the simple 3 raise, so it can't hurt to show a control on the way to 5, just in case he has slam aspirations."

SPEAR: "4. Not an everyday auction, but I will act confident that my bid shows this hand. Pard can rebid his 2-card spade suit if 4 spades is best, or bid 5 diamonds or 6 diamonds, whichever is right."

Let's see, 4 is then a cue bid in support of either spades or diamonds? Or is it more of a waiting bid? Waiting to find out why partner is torturing us with these nebulous cue bids.

Jack mentions the last of the possibilities, that partner is investigating a spade contract. After all, opener only has a 4-cd suit and we could have an 8 or even 9 cd fit our way.

DODD: "4. Been at least 20 years since I've played against Blue Clubers -- only hope North doesn't figure me for quality spades when he made his 3 call."

HEMENWAY: "4. I hope I'm interpreting partner's last bid correctly. If not, surely he'll correct to 5."

KLEMIC: "4. Partner saw the auction, offering with perhaps KTx spades? If it is a void cuebid, then we will play 5."

KNIEST: "4. Brilliant bid by pard; if it's a cuebid, my hand is fine for diamonds. I suspect it's an offer to play."

SMITH: "4. I wouldn't be surprised if 4 spades is the only game that makes. If Partner doesn't have a spade fragment, he can retreat to 5."

There's a "safety play" aspect to this bid, it should get us to some reasonable contract -- certainly a good thing when we're not sure what partner is doing.

4 and 3NT are out of order regards votes, but the panel seems to be saying loud and clear that 3NT is out of the question on this one. All the other votes can be regarded as diamond bids.

Action	Score	Votes	% Solvers
3NT	100	11	39
3	80	5	19
2NT	70	4	22
2	60	0	8
Pass	50	0	6
2	30	0	8
1NT	10	0	6

4. Matchpoints, NS Vulnerable

West	North	East	South
--	--	--	1
1	DBL*	Pass	?
*Negative

As South you hold:  AQJ5    52   K   AQJ1072

What's your bid?

This sounds a lot like Problem 2, we have stoppers and we have a good source of tricks. But does the overcall and NegX change things?

PAVLICEK: "3NT. Torn between 2NT and 3NT, and the C10 suggests going high. Surely, I needn't worry about hearts, and the DK alone may be enough steal the game. Opposite an ideal minimum like [xx  xxxx  Axxx  Kxx], 3NT rolls; and I don't think partner is supposed to bid over 2NT, which implies an offshape 16-17."

WALKER: "3NT. Very tempting to pass 1 doubled at matchpoints, but the strong clubs argue for declaring."

If we're not ready to take a swing at game, what are the alternatives?

STRITE: "2NT. Gets the playing strength about right"

MERRITT: "2NT. hiding the kingleton and having the lead come up to it should offer extra value. The Clubs and Spades are strong enough that I should be able to start clubs from the top and have good play."

Kingleton? I like it! But on the other hand, I hate 2NT contracts with unbalanced hands. I never seem to make exactly 8 tricks, if things go well it's 9 or 10, and if they go badly it's 6 or 7. I'd say if you're not going to bid a game then try...

DODD: "3. In my youth I'd have gone for the throat -- the "wisdom" of middle age has taught me to be a bit more cautious, although not too much!"

LEONARD: "3. No need to jump in notrump yet. Let's show the primary feature of our hand and let partner describe hers. A premature notrump bid could preclude a cold club game or slam."

I think Mark is talking about a jump to 2NT. That shows clubs too, but maybe not as good a suit.

No big surprise, 3NT wins again. The two invitational bids: 2NT and 3 are just a matter of personal preference.

Action	Score	Votes	% Solvers
4	100	10	46
4NT	90	5	8
5NT	80	2	5
7NT	80	2	3
5	50	1	0
6NT	60	0	8
6	30	0	8
Pass	10	0	5
4	5	0	8
3NT	7	0	5

5. Matchpoints, NS Vulnerable

West	North	East	South
--	2	3	Pass*
Pass	DBL	Pass	?

  * Positive response, two queens or better.

As South you hold:  A62   A9754  J32   QJ

What's your bid?

What does partner's double mean? Is it penalty? Is it a true takeout double? What would he do with a flat hand without a spade stopper (which would be a whopping big 22-23 HCP)? What should we do now? Why am I asking all these questions when we have a panel?

Most of the panel cue bid 4, but none of them seemed happy about it.

HEMENWAY: "4. Is partner three-suited? If so he must be really good! I suppose a balanced or semi-balanced hand with a doubleton spade honor (something like Qx) is not out of the question. I'm sorely tempted to bid 7 but I think I'll stall for awhile to see what he has to say next. Not sure the auction will clear things up much."

KESSLER: "4 Talk about being boxed. I'm going to attempt to show a spade control and then jump in hearts. I think seven will be hard to bid with the preempt, but this is the best I can come up with."

MAYNE: "4. No number of hearts is right, and we've clearly got enough to drive to slam. I'm hoping to get to the right strain and at least sniff at the grand with this."

PAULO: "4. This cuebid promises more than the minimum that I have shown with my first call. Partner wears the captain's hat; I hope he will lead our auction to a good port."

I don't agree about the captain's hat. True, the 2 opener is often the captain, but in another part of the forest, it's the partner of the takeout doubler who's the captain, i.e. us. Whatever happens, I understand that there's a lot of "good port" to be found in Lisbon!

But if we're on our way to at least six something and maybe seven, aren't there other ways?

DODD: "4NT. Assuming North has some balanced hand of 22+, I have no idea how to find a playable suit. If North has the remaining two aces and all four kings, we'll play 7NT and pray for a heart fit. Who knows perhaps North can take over after I bid 5NT."

SPEAR: "4NT. It might be fun to jump to seven notrump, but as long as 4 notrump is Blackwood, I will go through the motions of asking for aces and kings, then bid seven notrump. I don't see how pard can know what to do on other sequences."

SMITH: "5NT. I know the majority will cuebid 4 spades, but after that they'll have trouble bidding the grand with confidence. 5NT forces the six-level and invites seven."

KNIEST: "5NT. Pick a slam. The reopening double is usually the big balanced hand, good 21 or more, and system is on as if pard opened 2NT."

Two panelists must play a little "Texas Hold-em" on the side, they went "all in!"

PAVLICEK: "7NT. This auction couldn't happen as I play, as East would run like a rabbit if he psyched -- the only logical explanation for partner's penalty double. As it is, my interplanetary travel seems to have found a partner who plays this as takeout. I can't imagine partner with less than [xx  KQJx  AKQx  AKx], or [x  KQJx  AKQx  AKxx], so I'll get this over with."

We all use HCP for hand evaluation, but maybe we don't do enough work with the number 40, the total HCP in the deck. Interplanetary Richard looks like he has 40 programmed into his spaceship computer. If we have 12 HCP and the opponents have 6 in spades, the remaining 22 have to all be in partner's hand and must be exactly the honors in Richard's two examples. Can't partner have some spade honors? Well, he probably doesn't have a stopper (Kx, QJx, or even Qxx) or he'd have bid 3NT instead of doubling. If he has Jx, the heart jack may vanish, but that's ok. The worst spade holding he could have is the one Marilyn Hemenway mentioned, Qx, but even there we might have some decent play so we may as well put our money down on 7NT. As the bottle of ACME Earthquake Pills says, "Why wait?"

The other panelist who bid 7NT doesn't use a computer, he is a computer! At least a computer program.

BRIDGE BARON: "7NT."

Doggone cybernetic "Silent Bob", we'll never know for sure how he came up with 7NT, but I'll bet there were hands in the simulation that looked a lot like Pavlicek's example hands.

I gave 7NT a higher score than the panelist votes might indicate because some of the 4, 4NT, and 5NT bids might end up being 7NT bids in the end.

6. Matchpoints, EW Vulnerable

West	North	East	South
--	--	1	Pass
2	Pass	2	Pass
4	Pass	Pass	Pass

 As South you hold:    A432   8732   AQ5   Q6

What do you lead?

The question here is whether to be active or passive. Both sides are based on fear. The active leaders are afraid that if they don't take their tricks right away they'll evaporate like the dew on a hot summer day. The passive leaders are afraid that if they start throwing out aces and underleading kings they'll give a happy declarer tricks he never could get for himself. This looks like a good hand to talk about that. We'll see what scares the panel, first the passive leaders.

STRITE: "2 of Hearts. Opps could still be in a 5-3 fit, dummy could only have four clubs. They might run the first 11-12 tricks, but I don't rate any better than -650 if I start an ace anyway."

HEMENWAY: Two of hearts. It could certainly be right to cash these Aces but it's just not my nature to give up that easily. Partner should have a card and hopefully it's in clubs to slow down dummy's suit.

KNIEST: "Trump. Maybe they'll take the first 11 or so, but if pard has clubs locked up, a trump's the best lead."

Yeah, Jxx, Jxxx, or even Txxx in partner's hand might be enough to put a crimp in the club suit, but most panelists thought it was now or never!

MATHENY: "Ace of spades. It sounds like cash out time."

SMITH: "Ace of spades. Let's grab what we can while it's still out there."

LEONARD: "Spade Ace. Hearts are running, clubs are likely running...looks like a "take our tricks" situation. Trying to see if partner has a pointed K."

NELSON: Ace of Spades. Gosh, holding Qx of clubs I should be aggressive with my lead, but I hate leading either of the Aces I hold. I wanna lead a trump, but it's wrong.

The ace of spades was the most popular lead, but if you're going to lead an ace, how about...

SPEAR: "Ace of diamonds, then probably ace of spades, so pard can signal either king. ace of spades first might get an encouraging signal without the king. Total number of aces shut out=zero."

MERRITT: "Ace of diamonds. If I lead a passive heart, I am worried that the clubs and trumps will come to 11 tricks before we get to play another card. Starting with the DA will elicit a clear signal from partner and I should know what to do from here. I accept that I may have already blown the contract. "

What we lead from AKx is important here. If it's the ace, partner will encourage the spade ace lead with Qxx or even a doubleton. The most amusing situation occurs when partner does have the spade king but tries to give us a ruff instead of switching to diamonds! If the ace of diamonds finds declarer with the king all is not lost, who will declarer play for the queen?

Finally, it's time to present the award, a set of ACME Giant Brass Cannonballs, for the most active of the active leaders.

KLEMIC: "Spade 2. This is a danger hand, looking at bad hearts, Qx clubs, and most of the side's defensive values. The best chance may be to catch partner with Qx spades and the SK in dummy."

KESSLER: "2 of spades. An attempt to get partner in to lead a diamond through."

That takes care of the passive leaders and the active leaders. Does anyone else have anything to say?

BRIDGE BARON: "Club Queen."

What's going on in BB's little silicon noggin on this one? Maybe it's something about breaking communications. Yikes that's possible, a singleton club in declarer's hand might make it impossible for him to take even three club tricks! And with a doubleton declarer might need two entries after drawing trump. These bridge programs are playing better and better, you'll have to excuse me for a few months, I think I'm going to go check out the rules for Canasta!

Here's a link to the excellent site for the ACME pictures, authored by GP Markham:

How the Panel voted  (Panel/Staff Avg. -- ):	1	2	3	4	5	6	Score
Bridge Baron, Core Memory	3	4	4	3	7NT	Queen	390
Marilyn Hemenway, Omaha NB	3NT	3NT	4	3NT	4	2	570
Mark Kessler, Springfield IL	3NT	3	4	3NT	4	2	580
George Klemic, Bensonville IL	DBL	3NT	4	3	5	2	505
Thomas Kniest, University City MO	3NT	3	4	3NT	5NT		530
Mark Leonard, Ypsilanti MI	3NT	3NT	4	3	4	Ace	580
Larry Matheny, Loveland CO	DBL	3	4	3NT	4	Ace	515
John R. Mayne, Riverbank CA	3NT	3NT	5	3NT	4	Ace	580
Bev Nelson, Fort Myers FL	3NT	4	3NT	3NT	4	Ace	510
Manuel Paulo, Lisbon, Portugal	3NT	3NT	4	3NT	4	Ace	600
Richard Pavlicek, Fort Lauderdale FL	3NT	3NT	5	3NT	7NT	Ace	560
Larry Rabideau, St. Anne IL	DBL	3	4	2NT	4S	Ace	485
Dave Smith, Memphis TN	3NT	3NT	4	2NT	5NT	Ace	550
Jack Spear, Kansas City, KS	3NT	3NT	4	3	4NT	Ace	550
Toby Strite, San Jose CA	DBL	3	5	2NT	4	2	475
Arbha Vongsvivut, Godfrey, IL	DBL	3	3NT	3NT	4NT	Ace	545
How the Staff voted
Tom Dodd, Branchburg NJ	3NT	3NT	4	3	4NT	Ace	550
Kent Feiler, Harvard IL	3NT	3NT	4	3NT	4	2	570
Scott Merritt, Abuja, Nigeria	3NT	3	3NT	2NT	4NT	Ace	510
Karen Walker, Champaign IL	3NT	3NT	4	3NT	4NT	Ace	590